To the concern of whether Justice Thomas should have revealed these acts of saint-like compassion by Harlan Crow, we state: Which part of “supreme” do you not comprehend?
And now, a message from the U.S. Supreme Court relating to Justice Clarence Thomas:
We have lately had members of our staff ascend the ornate, gold-embossed mahogany thrones in our meeting rooms to deliver the daily briefings we refer to as “news of the citizens.”
Then, we learned of more accusations levelled against our friend Clarence Thomas. Harlan Crow, a rich Republican supporter and one of the greatest men in history, reportedly paid for Justice Thomas’ grandnephew’s boarding school tuition, a child our colleague has really nurtured. That present was kept very confidential.
This comes after the same article claimed Justice Thomas and his family had secretly taken several lavish vacations with Mr. Crow.
High-end? You call less than 3 luxury yachts high-end!
The same article also claimed that Justice Thomas and his family had taken several lavish vacations with Mr. Crow, details of which have never been made public.
Regarding financial aid, we would want to put the question to the American people: Who among us has not had a wealthy friend who invests millions in conservative politics and also desires to pay for the education of one of our children? (We’d ask the American people that if we could get close enough, but it’s not something we’re comfortable doing until they’ve had a good shower.)
If you’re wondering if Justice Thomas should have disclosed his altruistic deeds and maybe recused himself from cases involving Mr. Crow or his always-correct political interests, we’d like to ask: whatever part of “supreme” don’t you understand?
Please stop bothering us with your extremely non-supreme concerns
Since we are the highest court in the land, no other court can compare to us. The whole idea that our security may be obtained is very offensive, but we can assure the American people that we are immune to influence or enormous barrels of money placed alongside the third skip in the street outside the Supreme Court building on Tuesday evenings.
Even still, we see why some people outside of the Supreme Court would find Justice Thomas’s normal friendship with a millionaire who lavishes him with gifts to look odd. In an effort to ease your nerves, we’ll head off any further issues that could arise.
Some small moon-property ownership. Huge offer.
Mr. Crow won the battle for one-third of the moon in 1998, besting NASA and the rest of the international community in the process. As a 50th birthday present, he then gave Justice Thomas the deed to a house or business on the moon. No one said anything about the gift because there are no regulations regarding the donation of lunar property and nobody thinks Justice Thomas’s possession of a third of the moon would affect his judicial stability or his power to control the tides.
Who does not have a water fountain on their private yacht? Yeesh!
Is Justice Thomas’s third home’s expansive back deck the result of many $1,000 purchases Mr. Crow made for “small back-deck improvements”? Possibly. The simple possessions of a money-deck, or the water fountain of molten gold that runs 24-hours-a-day on Justice Thomas’ extremely private yacht, which Mr. Crow reportedly offered him in exchange for a number of acres of moon land, would never influence a Supreme Court justice’s decision making.
It makes no difference to the court’s structure or organisation that Justice Thomas and his buddies finish their moon land, and it certainly doesn’t do anything to undermine our more thorough track record.
We here at the Supreme Court do not desire our cash showers disrupted by pesky typical folks
Is there a long pneumatic tube connecting the safe at Mr. Crow’s Texas home to the one in Justice Thomas’ desk? Yes. Just because there are occasional “money blasts,” however, does not mean that justice is compromised. You shouldn’t be concerned, as they are all natural occurrences during your reign as supreme.
To sum up, we acknowledge that Justice Thomas has a backyard water park full of diamonds, but that was just a simple act of generosity on the part of Mr. Crow, the kind of thing that long-term friends provide for each other every now and then, or perhaps constantly, depending on the matters before the court.
We reject any necessary modifications to Supreme Court principles and refuse to answer questions from Congress or anyone else who hasn’t taken us on lavish vacations.
Just shut up and keep to yourselves, you idiots. We’ll spend the summer in Justice Thomas’ moon mansion, from where we can gaze down on the rest of you.
More from Rex Huppke:
This country’s debt ceiling dilemma may be summed up in three words: Greene, Marjorie Taylor
Could President Biden’s reelection bid be hampered by his advanced years? Do you know who your rivals are?
The wrong door was shot, the wrong vehicle was shot at, and the wrong driveway was used. Best possible reaction? Always more lethal force.